I thought I should share how my life was, before I came here to the heights. I never told anybody because I really didn't want to talk about it, or remember it. Here goes, please excuse my wordiness, I wanted to speak from the heart.
Before I went to Orange Grove (8th Grade), I lived in El Monte and attended Temple Intermediate in Rosemead. I get along with everyone, but my life back then was full of people putting me down, whether it is friends, parents, teachers, or bullies. I obviously went day by day not looking much into the future. It was also the time where I stopped going to church all at once. (I use to go to Alhambra’s First Baptist Church for 3 years).
My early years as a child, I remember my parents would fight, and sometimes it’s physical. My whole family would get involved sometimes. I didn’t care; I was in my own little world. I did get beat a lot, and I already developed this thing where I hurt myself in front of people and laugh. Maybe that’s why I’m so bad at Science, math and all that good stuff. Anyway, I would always get yelled at. I was 7 at the time, and already I was being smoked constantly and beaten. I remember one time where my mom threatened to kill me with a knife and she had the knife on my neck/shoulder. I remember belts, I remember sticks, I remember a good old smack here and there.
It’s not the best feeling in the world, always being told, “Why don’t you just die?” or, hearing how I’m about to get the shit beat out of me. I don’t think its right when a 6-10 year old contemplates how they can execute that task of killing themselves. You do grow old enough where they just stop hitting you. I’m glad it happened even though it was a little late.
It was also during this time, I fell in love with this girl. I’m not sure if it was Love back then as I was young, but of course, I was rejected, and she ignored me. It was a great time of pain for me, especially since we were good friends. I was heartbroken, and on top of that, my grades began to fall. I felt for the first time, loneliness.
I hated that feeling. It felt like you were leaning on a wall that suddenly disappeared and you’re constantly maintaining your balance without anything in sight. It was at this time where a lot of friends started dating and also find other friends. I could careless at the time, and I slowly deprived myself of healthy relationships with my friends. I tried to stay strong though, so I went on day by day.
On top of that, my parents would fight a lot at home. I didn’t get along with my brothers and I often took out my anger on them sometimes. I sometimes just stay over at my grandma’s during weekends and vacations just because I felt more like home there. My grandma was a very influential person in my life. She was always loving, and would teach me virtues and to be compassionate. It’s unfortunate I kept those locked in a box, perhaps away from all the gloomy dealings I have at the time and maybe someday recover to reopen that box and reclaim my soul.
I would have night terrors about everything, from family, to friends, to grades. I didn’t believe in a meaning for life but a constant cycle of repetitive actions driven by society’s twists and turns. I even wrote entries like this years ago elaborating on personal topics, but that died out. When a person has no flame, even if you have a lot of oil, it still won’t be put to use. This is much like a person. A person has a soul, but the person has no purpose to drive them in life, so their soul weeps in the darkness of the body.
By the summertime, my parents announced our new home in Hacienda Heights. I didn’t want to go. The little friends I have are in Rosemead, and I wasn’t in the best shape to deal with such a big change. This new place was different. There’s nothing but houses and roads. I can’t walk to the corner and find a shopping center, or even walk to a park.
I hated this place. I resented my parents.
The entire summer, I felt so distraught, I didn’t call anyone, I didn’t have any friends, I didn’t have the means to even go out. I began having these thoughts of suicide. It didn’t really hit me like a snap, but rather it was the height of me physically harming myself. Before, I would take my anger on walls, and furniture, doors, whatever I could hit, even my brothers. I had already developed this angry personality; I can blow up at anyone when provoked by the smallest orders and things they have to say. I thought about running away, or just get away from here. I had recurring dreams of being surrounded by people and being yelled at. I was the type that sat in corners and just thought about every possible way to kill myself, to get away from here, to be alone.
When I first stepped into Orange Grove, I kept to myself. “These people.” I thought. I couldn’t bring myself to making friends with anyone, so several months into the year, I just went on with life, getting average grades, and just grew bitter and lonely. I was able to make some friends, but I could tell, they’re not really friends. They’re just acquaintances. You could tell those people that would talk to you just for the heck of talking and communicating. I felt even lonelier. Imagine a wilted flower in a basket full of freshly plucked flowers, that’s how I felt. By the time I reached high school, I managed to get myself into band. I didn’t talk at all even in band. My freshman year was not that great, but I remember I started to make some casual friends.
The my grandma had a heart attack. She’s basically a vegetable now, and only days before did she ask me if I wanted to go to the beach since she hasn’t been there for some time. I got to visit her daily, if not every weekend. The only thing she could do was maybe a smile, or cry. I cried for somebody for the first time.
The following summer, I began to meet people, and some turned me to the direction toward this thing, this idol they worshiped. Who is this messiah that can make me whole?
Life was becoming better for me, my family was better in terms of the love involved, but I just lost trust in friends.
Well, there you go. This was my childhood leading up to high school.
My family has since mended then. Financial difficulties were lifted, I grew to be a good son and brother, well, that’s what I’ve heard recently. Life’s been good, and my family’s been very loving these past few years. During high school, my new friends helped me find God again. I read, I watched, and heard, and I believed the Gospel that was basically being sung to me. All the bad times I’ve been through, I asked for forgiveness and love. All the good times I’ve been through, I thanked and rejoiced. I prayed and I worked hard to know God, and God didn’t let me do it alone, he picked me up and mentored me.
God has been so great, this is my testimony of God’s divine love and the Holy Spirit’s sacred empowerment of my soul.
